That time of day when the sun goes down
by thefirstespada
Summary: Ulquiorra is a vampire with a stalker named Rukia who falls in love with him despite the fact that he's a loner. Twilight rip off and hate filled rant by me. Rated T for language


**That time of day when the sun goes down**

**But it isn't dark yet**

"Hey Orihime, haven't you noticed how pale we all are?" Orihime nodded, "now that you mention it we are pretty pale." Rukia looked across the lunch area, "but that Ulquiorra he's the palest of us all." Orihime agreed, "Yeah I mean look at him he looks like snow, do you like him?" Even though Rukia loved Ulquiorra you couldn't tell because it's impossible for her to blush, WHY IS SHE SO PALE?

Rukia shrugged, "he seems strange I mean he's not even eating his tater tot, that's so strange. In fact it's so strange that he doesn't eat his tots that it makes me think he isn't human." Later that day Rukia was walking in the parking lot when from out of nowhere a kid on a bike came towards her at uncontrollable speed. Before the bike could hit Ulquiorra pushed the kid off the bike and then threw the bike at him.

Rukia for some reason passed out and Ulquiorra was forced to carry her ass back home. The next day Rukia woke up and was now totally obsessed with Ulquiorra. "Orihime, something is not right about Ulquiorra, just yesterday he stopped a bike from hitting me." Orihime looked at Rukia with great concerned, "stay away from him Rukia, he's strange and troubled." Rukia didn't listen, even though Ulquiorra was depressing, emo, troubled, strange, and obviously psychotic. (A/N this is purely satire I think Ulquiorra is cool and kick ass, I'm sure he's a cool guy once you get to know him.)

After school Rukia was confronted by another attractive male, Stark. "Rukia stay away from Ulquiorra there's something not write about him." Rukia looked at the strange hairy boy as he walked away, "he's plan B."

That day in the forest Ulquiorra confronted his stalker Rukia. (Seriously does this franchise acknowledge stalking and obsession?) "Why are you following me? I am too depressed to have a stalker." Rukia confronted him bravely but still shook because she knew that he would kill her if she gave him the wrong answer. "I love you kinda, you know even though I just met you, but I feel we have a special connection I mean we're both human, right?"

"Wrong, I am not human and I want you to guess what I am, it's a very popular monster in Pop culture." Rukia thought while Ulquiorra creepily breathed all over her neck. "Frankenstein's monster?" Ulquiorra shook his head, "no take another guess." "Um, werewolf," Ulquiorra freaked out, "hell no I am way cooler than any werewolf take another guess."

"The thing, the blob, the invisible man, the creature from the black lagoon, Audrey II, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Leather face, Pinhead." (Many hours of monster guessing later.) "God damn shut the fuck up!" Rukia took one last guess, "vampire?" Ulquiorra finally heard the right answer, "are you scared?" Rukia looked at him and said, "No, I'm interested."

Rukia looked at him and began asking him, "Can you turn into a bat?" Ulquiorra shook his head, "can you hypnotize people and bend them to your will?" Ulquiorra shook his head again, "can you drink blood?" Ulquiorra shook his head, "I'm a vegetarian." *face palm* "you know I'm suddenly not interested anymore. "Wait you haven't seen what happens when I step into the light." Rukia thought about it, "are you going to burst into flames." Ulquiorra stepped into the light and began sparkling like a diamond.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ulquiorra went all angsty, "this is the skin of a killer, and I am a monster a gay sparkling monster." (A/N this is satire Ulquiorra is not homosexual 'up urs Yaoi fangirls' (just kidding) the fruit I'm referring to is Edward Cullen.)

"It doesn't matter because even if you're a gay sparkling vampire I still love you for some reason." And so Ulquiorra and Rukia fell in love in five seconds and then faced a real vampire who actually drinks blood (vegetarian? That's so stupid.) "I am Grimmjow Jeagerjaquez and I am a real vampire." (Stupid fight scene later) "I am Grimmjow Jeagerjaquez and as the only real vampire in the movie I am killed off." At the prom or something Ulquiorra and Rukia are confronted by Stark. "Cifer in the next movie I will take Rukia from you because you will abandon her making her suicidal." (Seriously how is this healthy it teaches little girls that your first love is worth dying for.) "I will later fall in love with you daughter making me a pedophile just like you are right now, 'seventeen for a while,' you make me sick. (Seriously every main character in this series is a pedo, 'hey little girls an older man can make you really happy.') "I will also cut my hair increasing my fangirls."

"What's his problem?" Ulquiorra shrugged, "that's the clan of the wolf for ya." Rukia looked at Ulquiorra, "clan of the wolf?" Ulquiorra took her hand, "it will make sense in the sequel."

**The End**

**Review**

**Sorry for the rants I just hate these movies with a passion. Bram Stoker is rolling over in his grave right now because of this. Dracula needs to beat the shit out of Edward Cullen. But seriously if you wear black cause its fun, follow the occult, and put sparkles on your face then you're a stupid vampire wannabe boner. I was forced to watch this in school and if I'm forced to watch the sequel I'll write a follow up to this. Fuck this I'm going to write one, starring Stark as Jack Black I mean Jacob Black. And his Loli Lilynette. **


End file.
